The Zen of Aylish - Mad Love For Mah Peeps
Aylish got some marshmallow Peeps for Easter. Yesterday, she opened them to have a few. While enjoying their sugary-marshmallowy goodness, she kept saying things like "Keep your hands off my peeps" and "I love my peeps," and "Piz-eace in the hiz-ouse for mah piz-eeps!"
All right, all right... I confess. I made that last one up.
Footnote for the tragically unhip: "Peeps" is street-slang for "people." Do you get it now, mah peeps?
She Blinded Me With Silence
According to an article in New Scientist, a UK engineer named Selwyn Wright has developed a "Silence Machine," a collection of microphones and speakers connected to a computer that generates "anti-noise" to cancel out continuous, predictable noise, such as heavy machinery and irate mothers-in-law.
Actually, scratch that last bit. Speech and music are "unpredictable noise," and will have to wait until further development. Of course, that doesn't mean that we can't begin imagining how we will use our Silence Machines now.
Here is a partial list of the settings I'll be using the most:
- Dr. Laura.
- Tipper Gore.
- All former, current, and future Survivor contestants.
- Any conversation that begins with the phrase "Did you see Survivor last night?"
- Mariah Carey.
- "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood - but none of his other songs.
- George Dubya (with subtitles - I want to know what the man is saying, I just can't stand the sound of his voice).
- All rap groups except for Beastie Boys, Bloodhound Gang, De La Soul & Digital Underground.
- Anyone who ever says 'Someone think of the CHILDREN!'
- Boy bands.
- Anyone wearing a headband visor backwards and/or upside down, the music they listen to, and the sound of their car, motorcycle, go-kart, or riding mower engine.
- Sporting events, sports reports during news broadcasts, ESPN, athletes complaining about how little money they make, and anyone asking me "Hey, didja see that Lakers game last night?"
- Everclear.
- Old Navy ads.
- Cell phones, and the conversations held on them.
- Matchbox 20
- Any and all whining about Star Wars (Hmmm... I wonder if these machines can respond with a painful, deafening screech whenever anyone bitches about Jar-Jar Binks?)
I came close to adding Jesse Helms to the list, but I find it helpful to actually hear his lazy, mostly-incoherent drawl whenever I start taking him seriously. Alternately, I'd like to see if there's a device that can replace his face with that of Foghorn Leghorn.
So, what would you set your Silence Machine for? Let me know!
posted by Dr. Awkward at 9:13 AM
A Rant Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
While cleaning up my old e-mail at work, I found this rant that I wrote to a couple of co-workers last July. I hate to waste a good rant. So here you go.
-=-
I just got another call from a salesperson. This was the fifth one I've had this morning.
Salesperson: "Are you looking for any solutions to your ARP in the IS department?"
What I said: "Not really. We've got that covered."
What I shoud have said: "Yeah, I need a solution. I need a solution to this problem where salespeople call me up constantly and ask me to PURCHASE their SOLUTIONS, when what they are REALLY selling is PRODUCT - and using the word SOLUTION to make it seem as if I NEED THAT PRODUCT MORE.
I need a SOLUTION to the problem where people MISUSE WORDS to better sell a box with wires in it, or a round piece of silicone with a hole in the middle, or a visit from a mouth-breathing computer geek who gets paid sixty bucks an hour to tweak a couple of settings and snicker under his breath at how we didn't know how to fix it ourselves. I need a SOLUTION for all of these people who call these things SOLUTIONS, instead of what they REALLY are, which is PRODUCTS and SERVICES, and which are only OCCASIONALLY an actual SOLUTION.
To say you wish to sell me a SOLUTION implies that I have a PROBLEM. And I do. My PROBLEM is having too many salespeople calling me and trying to sell SOLUTIONS. And my SOLUTION to THAT PROBLEM can be had free of charge. Allow me to forward this call to MISTER DIALTONE!!! HE'LL BE GLAD TO HEAR YOUR SOLUTION OPTIONS!!!"
posted by Dr. Awkward at 3:39 PM
