Hold the Cinco de Mayo
I hate drunks
Okay, I don't hate anybody, least of all people who have a legitimate drinking problem. I just get very annoyed by people who MUST have alcohol on hand in order to have a good time. I usually try to separate myself from such people, and in extreme cases, I will avoid any contact with them whatsoever.
Once, I was in a convenience store on the last day of race weekend. I live in Delaware, which is the home of Dover Downs, a popular stop on the NASCAR circuit. I was fueling up the Nova and walked in to get some Snapple. I wasn't inside for a minute when a red-faced fellow in a "wife beater" tank top stormed in, scanned the beverage cases, then stormed back out. His speech was a little hard to make out through his rage, but the conclusion I came to was that he was from one of those states where beer is sold in convenience stores, and it was absolutely unthinkable that we here in Delaware would not do the same thing. I wondered if he was this pissed off without beer, how pissed off he would he be once he was completely tanked?
The fifth of May is especially annoying for me, because of the whole Cinco de Mayo thing. As your average frat boy what Cinco de Mayo is, and he'll probably puke on your shoes and say "Aaaaaahhhhhwwwwllrrraaaaayyyyyyyyttttttttttttt!!!" It's really just an excuse to drink more tequila than usual. The real meaning is lost. No one truly knows what Cinco de Mayo is all about. So I will enlighten everyone. Once you know, the onus will be upon you to spread the word.
Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for "May 5th", which is the day before my birthday. In english-speaking countries, this day is usually referred to as "Billmas Eve," or "the day before the feast day of Saint Bill."
So this year, instead of poisoning yourself with more alcohol, consider buying me a nice present. It'll be better for both of us. Or, if you're already drunk, just mail me your wallet. I'll take care of the rest. Hey, it's the least I can do.
posted by Dr. Awkward at 3:46 PM
